An Alternative to A Toilet Paper Crisis … But Beware!

photo credit DeDe

My husband and I are USA expats, and have lived in SE Asia for almost 5 years. Toilet paper is not an issue here. Not to be too graphic, but in Asia, toilet paper is only used for drying. All toilets here come stocked with what is affectionately known as the “bum gun”. Think, a sink sprayer mounted next to a toilet. Bum guns are used in a fashion similar to a bidet, but they’re cheaper and easier to aim. This solution is most likely why we haven’t had a toilet paper crisis.

We have grown accustomed to bum guns, and can’t imagine life without them. I’m sure that most people who are native to Asian countries pride themselves of having the cleanest rear ends in the world, and I do believe this to be true. On our last trip to the Philippines, we had an unexpected experience. We stayed in a nice AirBnb. Nothing fancy, and of course, there was the obligatory bum gun installed right next to the toilet. It looked like all the others. It was completely innocent. However, this was not the usual bum gun. Oh no. My husband used the bathroom first and noticed an issue with this innocent looking bum gun, but conveniently “forgot” to tell me. I was busy unpacking and checking out the room. Unfortunately I experienced a much worse version of the issue.

This particular gun was pure evil at its finest. It was just waiting in anticipation of its next victim (me). A silver devil, as you will. Upon my first attempt, I aimed and regretfully depressed the handle. OMG! The spray was so strong, forceful, demonic actually … that it would make a fire hydrant proud! A forceful, unexpected enema comes to mind. Reacting in the moment seemed impossible, because to make matters worse, the handle was stuck! This means the water would not stop its invasive assault! If the victim aimed the nozzle away from their hoo hah, or whatever bits they have, water would spray everywhere. But if aimed at the body, there would be shooting pain, or worse. (we won’t go there). I was literally frozen in the bum gun’s demented grip of watery torture. Trapped. Unprepared. Terrified, and in pain! Oh, the horror.

After managing to get EVERYTHING in the bathroom wet. My clothes. The towels. The toilet paper. The walls, and even the toothbrushes .. I discovered that if I aimed the sprayer down into the bowl, I would be safe. For the moment anyway. But it was still shooting like a water cannon. I’m sure it was mocking me. I eventually managed to get the handle to release, and took a few moments to catch my breath. I hung it back on the wall, but I swear, it was still daring me to squeeze its horrible, little neck again.

After spending way to much time adjusting the water pressure, we felt safe again. I’m sure that TripAdvisor reviews will never be the same after this. I lived to tell the story, and now I’m sharing it with you.

Lesson # 40,231: NEVER assume that ALL Asian bum guns have acceptable water pressure! Always test first, and protect yourself from this potentially malfunctioning monster!

Creative, & survivor. Love to write, paint, & make music

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